just illusions
there was a point in my insanity when i deeply believed you loved me. it was a test i had failed. the thing is i knew you didn't. but i had to believe. for me. it was great. great. it's an awful word. it's an ugly word. appearance wise. great. awful. it grates on your teeth like a first grade teacher who patronizes you with those little colorful stickers you are supposed to treasure and place on the inside cover of your notebook. everyone knows it was only the scented ones that mattered at all. but the non recieved their place and forced love as well. it's a joke. a trip. being a kid. pretending to be a kid when all you wanted to do was give the sticker to the giggly girl next to you and tell her that she clearly needed it more. unless it was something orginal, something creative. not words or facts memorized but i story released from your own heart and appreciated by another's ears. then a sticker was golden. only if from one respected. otherwise the preference would easily be a confused smile. that look like they couldn't tell just what to make of it. or you. that was worth a hundred stickers. a thousand. my entire childhood. you gave me that crooked smile. then you walked away. but there was pain there, with the accustomed thrill. maybe i had wanted you to. you know, read me between the lines. or maybe i just believed i did. it's just an illusion. it doesn't mean anything. just little pieces of adhesive paper, once in awhile they simply smelled better--but it made your world.